Three Longtweets About Love
fortress, checking her likes, ring by spring
FORTRESS (Apr 28 2024, read at Sovereign House Confessions)
my pussy is so tight. my pussy is so tight that i can't have sex. i don't let anything inside me, and it's not my choice. my pussy closes when the moment of intimacy comes, like the gate to a fortress pulls shut as the enemy army masses outside. my pussy is impregnable, unable to be impregnated. it closes to stay safe like you close your window when the pleasant october freshness hardens into cold gray november.
guys think it's really hot when i tell them about my unfuckably tight pussy. the male urge to overpower my fortress, to be the battering ram that can crack me open and reveal my soft warm insides. i'm two drinks in sitting at the outdoor tables at clandestino, and he's had three. he's sitting on my left, and he's reaching his right arm on to my left thigh, after we've been pulled closer together through the summer night, and i think now is the time to inform him that if he takes me to his place in the east village my pussy will be too tight for us to fuck. and at first he thinks that's really hot. he grasps my thigh tighter, and the words he says don't register in my head because i've heard them so many times. i just smile. we go home separately.
i've been this way my whole life. my pussy has always been a closed asylum that admits no refugees. the first time it happened, when it closed for my highschool boyfriend in his 2008 toyota corolla on the scenic overlook hill on the edge of town after winter formal, it was really difficult. i didn't yet know that i wasn't closing myself specifically for him, i didn't yet know that i close myself to the whole world, and so i thought my biological rejection was an emotional rejection of him. he ended things with me in february, a few weeks after the moment in the corolla where all of our flesh touched the other's but his could not go inside of mine. it was the sort of breakup where the initiating party thinks they're doing it because the other party doesn't like them and they need to protect themselves from continued unsure commitment. and the sad part is i thought he was right, that i didn't really like him, with my too tight pussy as proof.
my fortress has been penetrated exactly one time, by the man with the penis small enough to sneak in. i don't know how much i should say about him because that one night was the closest i've ever felt to love. love falls apart if you describe it too much, but i'll say a little. the man with the small penis loved the adam friedland show, he was a moderator on their fan discord server, he loved shopping at uniqlo, and i think he loved me too. i hadn't even remembered to tell him about my too tight pussy by the time we headed back from the axethrowing barcade to my place. when he took off his clothes, he revealed such a small penis, the smallest i've ever seen. i gasped, thinking maybe he could get inside me. and he did. i can't bring myself to talk about what happened after. i don't know if i'll ever find someone else with penis that small i can love in the same way.
i'm on a quest to revirginize now. it's really hard having a fortress so tight that's been infiltrated just once; it made me realize i'm not invulnerable, but it's still so hard to let someone else in, and now i have something to compare with the emptiness inside my walls i've always felt. my solution is to build my walls taller, trump 2024 style. i'm starting over after the man with the small penis. i didn't choose my tight pussy, but it's the most essential part of me. i want to build my biological reality into my emotional reality. i want to build my pussyfortress into a castle, with a lively noble court, with jesters, and with a big tall tower from which i can gaze out to the outside world. you can't come in to see, but that wasn't the point of this confession. the point was to explain the fortress for me.
CHECKING HER LIKES (Jun 12 2024, written on the day Twitter removed the feature of viewing another user’s likes)
i already really miss popping open her likes tab. i loved checking in the morning to see when she was waking up reading her phone. i loved checking on friday nights when she'd had a few drinks. i loved checking at around 1pm on weekdays to imagine her scrolling the timeline on her lunch break. it was great if one of my tweets was in there, but it was okay if she didn't care about anything i'd said recently, i forgave her. i was in there so often that i memorized which tweets she faved when, even though i didn't mean to. it was special if my tweet was the first tweet she faved in a session, because it meant that meant i was at the top of her timeline when she opened the app, that i had earned her affection and the algorithm recognized that. sometimes i'd start a conversation with her based on one of the things i'd seen her like, or watch a movie that she faved a reference to so i could discuss it with her. it made me a richer and more developed person, and also closer to her. sometimes i'd know not to say anything to her at all, if her likes indicated she was going through something. it did a lot for me and i think it's unfair it's gone. but i have to accept that it’s gone, that's what she'd want me to do. the tide has risen and i can't follow her digital footprints anymore.
RING BY SPRING (Jun 27 2024)
here's my advice to single american men who feel hopeless about ever finding a good woman to marry:
take sabbatical from your job for the entire month of august and pretend to be an incoming freshman at BYU. sit in on classes and go to lots of clubs. wear only BYU hoodies, get a fake lanyard for your keys. every time you see a pretty girl ask her if she's looking for a ring by spring. it's not going to work every time, but you just need it to work once.
eventually you'll meet a nice girl and start going steady with her. you keep this up for a few months, going back to your fully remote laptop job because you don't need to grind clubs and classes anymore. you see her in the evenings after your work and her classes, and it's nice and comfortable. but something will feel wrong. your deception isn't the foundation of a lasting relationship, and your lives are in such different places because she's so much younger and less experienced than you. but ultimately you aren't even the one to end it because you're too fearful and attached, that's how you got here. with her feminine intuition she senses a gap between the two of you and breaks up with you in february without ever knowing the truth.
you drive deep out into the utah desert to find yourself. you'll find your way to arches national park. you'll be at delicate arch at sunrise the first time you see her. she's been doing van life. you sense in her the same quiet but total desperation you have in yourself. you ask her what she thinks about the band bright eyes and she smiles.
All of these were originally posted to X dot com, formerly Twitter, using the feature that allows for >280 character tweets. I’m posting them here because I think they’re cute ideas and want to preserve them. Usually I write in lowercase there and in uppercase here, but I left these in lowercase.